Dear Addie:
As I placed you in your little bouncy seat tonight, after feeding you, I looked toward an evening of rocking you to sleep after listening to you fuss...because for the past three months, you fussed. While I did dishes, you fussed. While I tried to homeschool, you fussed. While I tried to sew, you fussed.
You cried, I cried. You screamed, I got frustrated.
And then, after eliminating my multi-vitamin supplements last week, in a last ditch effort to keep breastfeeding, you became peaceful. You no longer cried with every burp, or writhed in pain. You stopped moving every minute of the day and finally...relaxed...
Tonight, when I placed you in your seat, you just turned your sweet head to the side, folded your hands peacefully, and went to sleep.
If I had known that what I was taking was hurting you, I would have stopped earlier sweet girl.
As I watched your peace tonight, the weight of your painful digestion these past few months really hurt my heart.
I was angry at you.
I thought you were just a "fussy baby."
Thoughts crossed my mind that you were really throwing off my schedule and life. I wished occasionally...
...that we had reconsidered...
But tonight, as I watched your sweet baby face, fall into a peaceful slumber, I realized, you were just in pain. And I am so sorry...sorry for ever regretting...
...sorry because all you needed was your mommy's comfort...
...not her frustration...
I cherish you, and I am so glad we found the answer to your pain, and that you can sleep peacefully.
I cried tonight with thankfulness for your sweetness and with sorrow for my selfishness.
You are like a new baby...
...a sweet, happy, smiley, baby.
I know now she was in there all along...but, I regret...
I feel so sad...
...that I didn't know what to do to help you stop suffering earlier...
I love you more than words.
-Mom
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2 comments:
First, that picture of you is so beautiful.
Okay, we have all been there. It is so heartbreaking to think how irritated we get at fussy babies because they interfere with our lives! Then to find out they were in pain--it is so sad.
My third child had constant ear infections and was never quite well. He was the hardest child. I have to continually remind myself that he was in pain and that is why he was so difficult.
Isn't it a blessing that you have figured out now what was hurtin her!
Hope you are hanging in there!
Oh Tara, I can so relate. Ellie cried and never slept the first two months of her life because she was allergic to milk. It was a long two months and I was so tired. I was all alone (john was in Afghanastan). When we cut milk out of my diet and all milk proteins things got much better, turned out she was a fussy baby too so continued to cry for the next year but it was nothing like those first two months.
You are an amazing mom, you really are but you are human and sometimes our babies take it all out of us! Glad that you were able to figure out what was going on and continue nursing. Can't wait to see you Monday!
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